By Tim Crean Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen! And welcome, to the 1st annual Creany Awards! The Creanies are the definitive award in the sport of football. We will be presenting awards in some atypical categories, honoring the crowning achievements of this NFL season. Since I know no celebrities and am not friends with any musicians, I will be handling both the presenting and the entertainment. I did, however, invite some of tonight's honorees to attend this gala event; I guess we'll see if any of them were able to make it. Now, without further ado, I present to you the 2005-2006 Creanies!! **APPLAUSE** The Ronde Barber, Damn That Guy Looks Just Like Tiki Barber Award: This award goes to Shaun Alexander. For a long time I thought he was like a long-lost Barber triplet. I saw a fairly long interview with him the other day though and while I was watching it I decided that what he really looks like is the love child of Tiki and Michael Strahan. Seriously? check it out. The Keyshawn Johnson, You're So Obnoxious We'll Pay You Millions NOT to Play Award: To T.O. Now I know the most likely destinations are Miami or Denver but think about this? in the history of the NFL there have been three receivers so disruptive, so obnoxious, and so ridiculous, that their teams have paid them to stay home in the middle of the season. Now, if T.O. would sign with Dallas this off season, these three receivers, Owens, Johnson and Terry Glenn would all be on the same team! This could be the most entertaining team in the history of pro sports. Throw in Bill Parcells trying to control these three malcontents and Drew Bledsoe trying to keep them all happy? this needs to happen and it needs to happen in conjunction with some sort of reality show. T.O was invited to accept this award in person tonight. He's been advised by Drew Rosenhaus, however, to hold out for the ESPY'S. "NEXT QUESTION!!" The Onterrio Smith, I Got Caught With a Fake Penis Designed to Beat Drug Tests Award: And the winner is? ummm, Onterrio Smith. This hasn't ever really happened before? so, congrats Mr Smith. Thanks to you we now all know what a Whizinator is and our lives are forever? ummm, shadier I guess. The Mike Tice, What!? I Can't Scalp My Super Bowl Tickets!? Award: To Atlanta Falcons head coach Jim Mora Jr. who got fined $25,000 for using his cell phone on the sideline. He apparently called someone to find out how a tie would affect his playoff chances. My sources tell me the call went something like this? Jim Mora Jr.: Hey Dad, If we tie can we still make the playoffs? Jim Mora Sr.: Playoffs!!?? PLAYOFFS!!?? You're talking PLAYOFFS!!!??? Jim Mora Jr. Ok, thanks, Dad? You're a huge help. *click* The Terrell Owens, Throw Your Teammates Directly Under the Bus Award: To the esteemed Mr. Peyton Manning. To throw any group of teammates under the bus after a bad loss is Bush League. To throw a group of five, 6 foot plus, 300-something pound men there is bordering on suicidal. We invited Mr. Manning to accept his award in person but he declined, sighting the security risks. Ya know, I'm trying to be a good Award Show Host here? how can I say this? we had some "problems with protection" tonight though. The Ray Lewis, This Probably Isn't the Best Place to Get in a Brawl Award: Awarded to Olin Kruetz and Frank Miller. The Chicago Bears Center and Tackle got into a fistfight at target practice? with THE FBI? and you said offensive linemen aren't smart! The Eugene Robinson, I Got Arrested on the Eve of the Biggest Game of My Life Award: We have co-winners for our last award of the night folks. First, Sean Locklear T, Seahawks who was arrested on spousal battery charges four days before the NFC Championship Game. We also have Nick Harper S, Colts who also got into a domestic dust up right before the AFC Divsional game and was stabbed in the leg by his wife. Congrat- O hey, they're telling me Nick Harper is in the audience? come on up, Nick! Ok, here he comes, this is great!! Someone showed up at the Crea- O NO!!! He got tripped right before the podium by Ben Roelthlisburger!! YOU SHOULDA CUT TO THE OUTSIDE AISLE!! Well, that wraps up the 1st Annual Creany Awards. Thank You so much? You've been a wonderful audience? enjoy the vocal stylings of? my roommate Worm? remember to tip your waitress? PEACE I'M OUTTA HERE!!!