The Baltimore Ravens released linebacker and special teams ace Brendan Ayanbadejo last week. That is not extremely newsworthy in and of itself, as he is a reserve who can be replaced by someone younger and cheaper. What makes Ayanbadejo notable is his outspoken support of gay marriage and equality for homosexuals.
At first he drew a connection between his controversial stances and his release, though he later (wisely) walked back from that assertion. But I’m not so sure his vocal support of an issue that terrifies the NFL in general will ever allow him to get another job within the league. Even though the current of popular opinion is turning towards more widespread acceptance and tolerance, the insular, testosterone soaked culture of the NFL locker room does not resemble the outside world in any way. While downplayed by the players and league, homophobia remains a pervasive presence around the league. Football teams are composed entirely of men, led entirely by men, and seen as almost deistic figures by many men. For a NFL player to acknowledge his homosexuality is still a bridge that the NFL doesn’t seem ready to cross.
Ayanbadejo later stated that as many as four homosexual players are pondering coming out together. If true, and we have no reason to doubt it, I think that is the best way for the ice to get broken. One solitary player is easy to denigrate and demean, but a handful of players across several teams would lead to better widespread acceptance and less backlash. There have been gay men in pro sports for years now, and several have come out after their active careers were done. Those of us close to the game have heard the whispers, the clandestine stories, and seen the fingers pointed.
I’ve even seen it firsthand, though it was a MLB player. In the mid-90s I worked as a desk clerk at a hotel where several visiting teams stayed during their trips to Cleveland. One of my co-workers was an openly gay man, and he was having an affair with a fairly prominent baseball player of the era. Every single time one certain team visited, my co-worker would never leave the hotel, instead staying with his secret lover. Several of us knew, and I know that some of this player’s teammates knew. When their relationship broke off, the player gave my co-worker a brand new BMW as “hush money” to make sure his secret stayed safe. He couldn’t even afford the insurance on the car, but my co-worker never said a word. I never pushed the issue because I could tell how much he was hurt by the whole experience.
Honestly, I’m not sure how the locker rooms will handle a teammate coming out as homosexual. The devoutly evangelical are going to have issues, and they dominate several locker rooms. Reconciling their special brotherhood with teammates and their religious beliefs will not be easy. Seeing how some still spew out gay slurs, and how Ayanbadejo and fellow outspoken advocate Chris Kluwe have faced backlash from NFLPA brethren, it’s probably not going to be pretty.
I hope that when a player, or preferably players, finally openly pronounce homosexuality, that the spirit of camaraderie and a shared goal of winning overcomes the inherent homophobia. I think the literal translation of that word, invoking the “fear” aspect, is very real to a lot of players. They fear what they do not understand, or what they have been brought up to believe is wrong. Deep rooted attitudes and lifelong beliefs are not just going to go away quickly or without struggle. Not only will the openly gay players face a major struggle, but the players on the other side of the coin face a struggle as well. All of a sudden someone they have bonded with, competed with, showered with, comes forward and says they are someone that these players have been brought up to revile, to despise, to mock.
Again, my own personal experience illustrates this. My father’s family from his generation and on back could aptly be described as bigoted. Racial and gay slurs were not uncommon and not hidden with any diplomacy or care. The extended family, most of them rural, poor, and undereducated, were even worse. So when my uncle, my father’s youngest brother, came out of the closet in the mid 90s, it was a complete shock. My uncle was easily the most bigoted and vociferously hostile person in the family. Every person he encountered who wasn’t white was fair game for a casual racial or ethnic slur that wasn’t always discreet. For him to come out and say that not only was he homosexual but was involved in a committed relationship with another man, it was difficult to process. His parents--my grandparents, to whom I was incredibly close--were completely rocked. My father, who is not averse to sharing his strong opinions, was genuinely flummoxed.
It took a few days afterwards before my uncle reappeared, this time with his boyfriend. I expected anger and fireworks, but a funny thing happened: everyone saw my uncle happier than he had ever been in his 30-something years on Earth. His boyfriend Michael was a charismatic, kind-hearted, intelligent man who understood his awkward position and handled it with grace. We all liked him almost immediately, particularly my grandmother, who was also not someone to bite her tongue or hide her biases. We all saw that my uncle was still the same man, only a happier version of it, and we still loved him.
Not long after this happened, my wife and I were married. A lot of extended family and religiously devout folks saw my uncle and his beau for the first time, which for many of them became the first time homosexuality had been put in their faces with such familiar context. The boyfriend quickly won over everyone with his quick wit, winking flamboyance, but most of all his sheer normalcy and the normalcy of their relationship. I’ve seen how having such an experience impacts people. My father is still far from an advocate for open homosexuality, and he is still strongly against gay marriage. But he loves his brother even though he’s gay, and he has largely lost the vitriol and passion. I haven’t heard a gay slur from him or anyone in that family in a very long time. Our family has even maintained a strong relationship with Michael even after he and my uncle broke up a couple years ago. He was a part of our family and that matters.
That’s why I think that an openly gay NFL player will fare well. Locker rooms are a family, and that matters. We might not approve of everything that all our family does, but we still accept them and love them because of what we have shared. That will be true on the football field too. Of course there will be some who refuse to accept it and rail against it, especially off the bat. But just as baseball and southern college football teams ultimately accepted full racial integration over time, so too will the NFL and homosexual players. It might take a full generation after the torchbearers before the stigma really goes away, but it’s going to happen like it or not. Those brave men have my support.