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| Authored by Andrew Perna - 22nd January, 2007 - 10:52 pm
 Welcome to the post-championship weekend edition of the Keyboard Quarterback. I felt there was only one way to properly summarize how the weekend played out in the NFL, and that was to write a letter to every citizen of New England. With the Pats leading 21-3 midway through the second quarter I started this very column, instead as a letter to Indianapolis fans. I was ready to apologize for hoping and praying that they would beat the Patriots, who I despise with most of my earthly being. In recent years, every time that one of my teams has gone up against one of New England?s, I?ve been horribly disappointed. I was afraid I had put a hex on the Colts, and that they were doomed solely because I was pulling for them. That letter wouldn?t have been relevant with Peyton Manning and the Colts having played perhaps the best second half of football I have seen in my life. Here is the revised letter...
Dear Citizens of New England,
Hello. Please don?t be afraid, reading this column will help you cope with the Patriots? recent loss. You know me. I grew up in southern New England, and have recently inhabited the heart of Patriot Nation, in central Massachusetts. I am friends with many of your kind, and some even might consider me family. To one of you I?m the guy you called midway through the second quarter on Sunday when the Pats had built a seemingly insurmountable lead (you know who you are). I am the nice, courteous young man that your daughter brought home from college. You liked me, I liked you. Then you realized I rooted for all the wrong teams, and we began to butt heads. To the rest of you New Englanders, I am the lone guy at the bar with a Yankees cap on my head.
To you Celtic fans, I am one of the few basketball fans who visit the TD BankNorth Garden only twice a year, when my Indiana Pacers come to town. In everyday life, I am every bit a member of your community, but when it comes to sports I?m like the goofy friend you never want to see. That?s because I?ll never high-five you after a David Ortiz home run, or a Paul Pierce three, and definitely not after a Tom Brady touchdown pass. For most of my life, and especially the last four years ? I have been the antithesis of what you stand for. But now, in late January, you now know what it is like to be me. You need me. So listen closely.
First, I want you to take several deep breaths. The world is not ending. You?re not going to lose your job, your house, or your family. Yes, the Patriots lost, but there is always next season, and they?ll forever be an endless supply of them. I know this because I have been telling myself this at the conclusion of every NBA season for fifteen years, and at the end of every NFL and MLB season since 2001. It may seem as though your world has come crashing down, but the world is still spinning. Just like your head.
I know what you?re thinking, they had it. Up 21-3 with halftime approaching, how could the Patriots, one of sport?s most clutch teams, lose a lead like that? They were in Peyton Manning?s head, the Colt running game was worse than the Raiders, and their defense couldn?t have stopped Vinny Testaverde. Even the Indianapolis crowd seemed to be packing it in. My future-in-laws were having spastic attacks on the couch next to me. Reebok was probably even printing Patriots? AFC Title shirts.
Then boom rookie running back Joseph Addai bounces into the end zone, seemingly untouched, to gave the Colts the victory.
I know you?re angry. In order to get some of it out of your system you should blame people, and plenty of inanimate objects. Blame the referees, blame the camera crew, blame Phil Simms, heck blame Gisele Bundchen. Next move onto the Patriot players that had a hand in the loss, like the entire defense, Tom Brady, and the newest Bill Buckner: Reche Caldwell (I heard he?s got an endorsement deal in the works with Butterfinger). Of course, you wouldn?t be a true fan if you didn?t hate on Peyton Manning, Joseph Addai, Jeff Saturday, Dan Klecko, and Tony Dungy for at least the next twenty-five years. Then blame your spot on the couch, and the remote control (throwing it helps).
I know how to help you cope, because I?ve been their so many times. Many of those times have been because of the teams you hold dear. It all began in 2003 when the Celtics upset my Pacers in the first round of the NBA playoffs. I?m both ashamed and proud to say that I burnt a Celtic hat on my front porch minutes after game six. Then there was the 2004 ALCS when my Yankees choked in games four, five, six and seven against your beloved Sawks. I still cringe when I think of the ridicule I received in the days, weeks, and even months following New York?s epic collapse.
But the worst of all was the loss that came at the hands of the very Patriots you?re now mourning. Two years ago when New England met Philadelphia in the Super Bowl, I reached an all-time low. My Eagles scored first, but the second half belonged to your Pats. I haven?t worn my Pats-Eagles Super Bowl shirt since. The sight of the shirt makes me sweat more than Tommy Heinsohn during the fourth quarter.
So in the days following the Patriots loss to the Colts I just want to say: Welcome to my world!
Indianapolis fans weren?t the only ones celebrating like madmen yesterday. There were Chargers fans, Jet fans, Jaguar fans, Steeler fans, Eagle fans (like yours truly) , Titan fans, and Panther fans celebrating on Sunday. The Pats broke all of their hearts in the past, it was about time the Pats broke yours.
Believe it or not, the loss will actually make you a stronger fan base. Just wait and see. Think of your love for the Red Sox, it was able to grow so strong and passionate because of their eighty-six year struggle to the Promised Land. How fun would it be if the Patriots won the title, every year. Another title would have propelled New England to Yankee-like status, with fans around the globe growing tired of the constant celebration. You certainly wouldn?t welcome that, you hate the Yankees.
Don?t worry about your favorite players. Tom Brady will spend the off-season rifling through the Victoria?s Secret catalog, first hand. You?ll be able to follow his off-field scores with the same frequency you did his touchdown drives. Reche Caldwell is planning on having eye-reduction surgery, and even coach Bill Belichick plans to keep busy during his extra two weeks off. He?s going to market a line of sweatshirts with half-length sleeves. They?ll be huge in monasteries.
So New England, don?t fret. The Patriots will likely stage another Lombardi trophy run in 2007. As for now, welcome to my world?
Sincerely,
Andrew Perna
P.S. Here?s a list of reasons to be happy the Pats lost:
You?ll be a more productive employee on February 5th.
You won?t have to spend money on more AFC Championship, and eventually Super Bowl Championship, merchandise.
You won?t have to base your entire Super Bowl Sunday on which Patriots Super Bowl Championship t-shirt you should wear.
And finally?
?at least you still have the Celtics.
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