| James M. Morisette. 22nd November, 2005 - 12:32 am
 This morning, Detroiters cruising northbound on Interstate 75 towards their respective places of unionized employment were exposed to an utterly painful but ever so familiar situation; as they drove their F-250s, Explorers, and Utility Vans past Ford Field – home of the Detroit Lions – they witnessed hundreds upon hundreds of vultures hovering over the stadium waiting to devour whatever is left of their beloved but woeful football teams’ season.
At first, a flurry of rage erupted amongst the motorists upon sight of the carcass loving birds. “Damn those vultures!” some of them screamed as they pounded their fists on the plastic hard hats and metal lunch pales resting on their passenger seats. “Why can’t those (explicative) winged rats fly to New England or Pittsburgh for once,” others screamed while changing their radio stations to avoid hearing the news about the Lions last offensively absent and penalty infested 20-7 loss to the Dallas Cowboys.
But then, shortly before road rage erupted on the highway just past Ford Field, an annual drug called Apathy set into the motorists’ bloodstreams and quickly soothed the intense pain brought on another unsuccessful football season in Detroit. And soon afterwards, the motorists were calmer than Ron Livingston (Peter Gibbons) after his hypnotism in the movie Office Space.
Thanks to Apathy, Detroiters can suppress their anger and subsequent resentment resulting from graven acts of unprofessionalism within every realm of the Lion’s organization; things like constant scapegoating and finger pointing, radio and television blaspheming, and childish on the field pushing, shoving, and yelling. Thanks to Apathy, Detroiters can laugh at the fact that the Lions have more unrealized talent than Ancient Egypt had gold and jewels. Thanks to Apathy, Detroiters can actually stomach the undying loyalty Lions owner Bill Ford Junior has for General Manager Matt Millen and for Head Coach Steve Marriucci. Last but not least, thanks to Apathy, Detroiters can see that the light at the end of November and December lies, not within the Lions, but within the consistently successful and selfless Piston basketball and Red Wing hockey teams.
But like all drugs, Apathy is beginning to wear off in Detroit. If things do not change within the Detroit Lions organization very soon, Apathy will be replaced by another drug – Anarchy. In other words, Millen and Marriucci and Company (M & M & Co.) should be like American Naval Commander’s in the Straights of Hormuz – on high alert. They had quickly better find a way to turn this season around and subsequently make the vultures hovering over Ford Field go away.
They can begin with the running game. Anna Nicole Smith could tell you that the three pronged running attack of Kevin Jones, Artose Pinner, and Shawn Bryson is not working. The trio had a combined 54 yards on 17 carries against the Cowboys on Sunday. For the season they have combined for 835 yards on 236 carries (3.5 yards per carry). Eleven NFL running backs, to include Shaun Alexander, Edgerrin James, Warrick Dunn, Tiki Barber, Ladainian Tomlinson, Willis McGahee, Reuben Droughns (former Lion), Clinton Portis, Rudi Johnson, Larry Johnson, and Thomas Jones have single-handedly accomplished what Jones, Pinner, and Bryson have accomplished as a unit. As a team, the Lions are not consistently committing to the run. They are near the bottom of the league this season in rushing attempts, rushing attempts per game, and yards per game/yards. If the Lions have any chance at turning things around, they need to use Kevin Jones as their workhorse like they successfully did last season, and then use Pinner and Bryson when Jones needs a breather. If not, opposing defenses will continue to feast on the Lions offense.
Next, M & M & Co. need to better focus on the passing game. It is interesting how successful NFL teams can be when they commit to running the ball and taking time off the clock. It is also interesting how successfully running the ball can lead to a successful aerial attack. It does not take a genius to figure this out. It is Thomas Paine Common Sense. A patient and consistent running attack loosens up the opposing defenses and opens things up for the wide receivers. Yet the Lions, in all their flashy stubbornness, fail to do this week in and week out. And M & M and Co. scratch their heads in befuddlement, wondering why opposing defenses put eight men in the box, blitzkrieg, and subsequently hammer Joey Harrington and Jeff Garcia every time they go back in the pocket to throw the football.
Speaking of creativity, where is it in the Lions offense? Why does M & M & Co insist on being stingier than the pre-epitome Scrooge? Are that they afraid to open up the offense? God forbid they chuck one down the middle of the field to Roy Williams or Charles Rogers with eight men of opposition in the box. How about a reverse? What about letting Kevin Jones sweep right, stop, and hit Mike Williams or Roy Williams in the open field? Or how about this? Let’s use Cory Schlesinger early and often like Tampa Bay does with Mike Alstott to wear down opposing defenses. Wait. Here’s a barnburner. Let’s have Harrington or Garcia (I don’t really care who because both are good quarterbacks) toss the ball to Schlesinger or Casey Fitzsimmons once or twice a game to keep defenses on their toes. Wait, never mind. These aforementioned scenarios may go against the conservative west coast offense. The bottom line is that the Lions will not succeed until M & M and Co. stops waiting to exhale like Whitney Houston, and starts unleashing offensive hell upon its opponents like Maximus (Russell Crowe) did to the Barbarians in the movie Gladiator.
On the other end of the spectrum, the Lions defense should be proud of their accomplishments. Although they have lost nearly 60 percent of their starting players, to include Boss Bailey, Dre Bly, and Fernando Bryant; R.W. McQuarters and the band-aid boys constantly finds ways to keep the Lions in the game. However, their performance has all too often been tarnished by the fact that they spend way too much time on the field. Thanks to M & M & Cos. conservative play calling, the Lions often get hammered in time of possession. For a solution to this problem, please refer to the preceding three paragraphs.
On Wednesday this week, Detroiters will cruise northbound on Interstate 75 towards their respective places of unionized employment and see those wretched vultures licking their chops while hovering over Ford Field. They are licking their chops because they, much like Detroiters, know that a Lion’s loss to Michael Vick and the Atlanta Falcons on national television on Thanksgiving Thursday will ultimately lead to rolling eyes, rolling heads, and subsequent feasting upon another failed professional football season in Motown U.S.A.
James M. Morisette covers the Detroit Lions and Pistons for RealGM.com. He can be reached at jamesmorisette@yahoo.com. |
