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Buster's 3rd Annual Guide To Fantasy Football
29th July, 2008 - 6:01 pm

29th Jul, 2008
Buster's 3rd Annual Guide To Fantasy Football

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By Buster Gunning

You didn?t ask for it; you got it. It?s Buster Gunning?s 3rd Annual Guide to Fantasy Football. This year promises to be full of busts, and if you follow this simple guide, you are guaranteed not to pick one*.

Wide Receivers
Buster?s Lock: Troy ?Hands? Williamson (Jacksonville Jaguars) ? One of the taller, more athletic wide receivers in the NFL, Williamson has yet to put up the numbers expected of him after the Vikings took him in the first round of the 2005 NFL draft. Probably because he only catches about 1 in 6 passes thrown his way with most of them bouncing off his helmet or managing to somehow squirm their way through his outstretched hands. That or politics, probably politics. Troy had corrective eye-surgery for the 2007 season which only allowed him to more clearly see the football as it bounced off of his gloves. Always about self improvement, Williamson underwent hand-enlargement surgery in the 2008 off-season. With hands three times the size of a normal man that periodically sweat heavy doses of stickum, Williamson is guaranteed to be the breakout wide receiver of 2008 and lead the Jaguars to a Superbowl.

Other picks ? Calvin Johnson (Detroit Lions) ? Quite a body on him, don?t you think?

Buster?s Lock: Alex Smith (San Francisco) ? After three less than disappointing seasons in the NFL, the #1 pick of the 2005 draft is ready to rock. Most statistics show that the fourth season is guaranteed to be a break-out season for any struggling quarterback. And based on those statistics, Smith is sure to be a lock for 2008. Pick him somewhere between Peyton Manning and David Carr.

Other picks ? Any Dolphins QB

Tight End
Buster?s Lock - Kellen Winslow III - He has improved every year he has been in the league with the exception being the year he missed after he drove his motorcycle through a flaming hoop. So let?s look at the numbers:

2004 ? 50 yards receiving, 0 TD?s.
2006 ? 850 yards receiving, 3 TD?s, 1 awkward ?I?m a soldier!? rant to the press.
2007 ? 1106 yards receiving, 5 TD?s.
2008 (projected) ? 2743 yards receiving, 32 TD?s.

Based on these numbers, Winslow is a consensus #1 overall pick.

Other picks ? LaDanian Tomlinson (San Diego Chargers) - Tightest end in the NFL.

Running Backs
Buster?s Lock: Cadillac Williams (Tampa Bay Buccaneers) and Cedric Bensen (Unemployed) ? These two back have been consistent top-round picks in each of the last three fantasy seasons and why not? Monster stats, injury-free seasons, beloved by teammates and each a running style that just wont quit. So the old saying of ?if it aint broke, don?t fix it? certainly applies here. Make one of these backs the first horse you add to your fantasy stable.

Other picks ? Ricky Williams (Miami Dolphins) ? Do not quit on this guy!

Buster?s Lock: Miami Dolphins ? The NFL?s worst team returns with an offense more depleted than that of their memorable 1-15 2007 season. And with the recent trade of their best defender, Jason Taylor, the Dolphins defense is now a must pick somewhere in-between the second or third rounds.

Other picks ? The Denver Nuggets

Buster?s Lock: Mike Vanderjagt (unemployed). ? A second time selection to Buster?s holy list, Mike Vanderjagt is maybe, possibly, coming back to the NFL; he just needs to find a team to play for. The man who once feuded openly with Peyton Manning (Vanderjagt won the feud by the way) is also the NFL?s most accurate kicker. A potential MVP wherever he plays, Vanderjagt is worth picking up in the first round even if he lacks a team to play for by the time of your draft.

Other picks ? Brandi Chastain (retirement).

* Still not a guarantee.

Lock This!: Buster.Gunning@realgm.com

The preceding article was a piece of satirical fiction.