In lieu of writing about NFL games I didn’t get to see due to my family celebrating Christmas early, I decided to get into the giving spirit and hand out some NFL gifts. Players, teams, coaches and even a couple of owners all made the gift list, even though some were pretty naughty.

Pour yourself a glass of eggnog, cuddle up under an officially licensed NFL blanket, and share in the spirit of the season.

To the Houston Texans: healthy 2014 returns by Duane Brown, Brian Cushing, Owen Daniels, Arian Foster and Johnathan Joseph. Five of the seven best players on the roster either missed significant time or were clearly hampered by injuries. If Santa brings them good health--and a quarterback--the Texans will be right back in the playoff mix.

To Rob Gronkowski: A bottle of Osteum and a suit made of bubble wrap. It’s amazing a guy that hulking and athletic can be so darn fragile.

To Jim Schwartz: Newfound success as the new Defensive Coordinator for the St. Louis Rams. He sure won’t be back in Detroit after blowing yet another close game where the Lions led in the fourth quarter.

To the Miami Dolphins: A new right guard with a better grasp of human decency and a new right tackle with more of a football mindset. Hopefully at least one of them is good at pass blocking.

To Jeff Triplette: Laser eye surgery and a copy of the Official NFL Rule Book. Because officials should be able to see and also know what they’re supposed to be looking for…

To Dez Bryant: A pacifier and a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People.

To Aaron Rodgers: A time machine to an era when his mustache would actually be considered fashionable instead of ironic and ridiculous.

To London Fletcher: The best watch that Rolex makes, because he’s been the most durable linebacker in NFL history and deserves a nice going-away present.

To Tim Tebow: A divine intervention to convince him to completely give up football as a vocation.

To Peter King: The ability to edit unfortunate Tweets. Minutes after calling out Cam Newton for doing nothing all day (twice), Newton masterminds a drive which seizes a victory for the Panthers over the Saints.

To the Chicago Bears defense:  Eleven copies of Tackling for Dummies, along with some actual tackling dummies to practice upon. They need it.

To Commissioner Goodell: Avenged Sevenfold’s Hail to the King as his ringtone, because he clearly likes the fealty. Plus, the song conveys toughness without being dirty, the way football should be played.

To Rob Ryan: His first-ever playoff berth as a coach. Of course the Saints’ Defensive Coordinator will watch his team lose on the road in the Wild Card round, but it’s better to be invited to the dance than sitting at home eating piles of McDonald’s in grief and shame.

To Paul Allen: The Seahawks owner has more money than just about anyone, but I suspect he could use a nice Mont Blanc pen to write all those extra zeroes into Russell Wilson’s next contract.

To Andy Reid: A tall glass pitcher and a wooden spoon, so that he might completely morph into Kool-Aid Man.

To Colin Kaepernick: A San Francisco 49ers' hat, so he doesn’t have to wear those of opposing teams anymore.

To Eli Manning: A better offensive line to protect him and a giant eraser to help wipe away his dismal 2013

To Adrian Peterson: A big bottle of pain medication. All those hits he takes are really going to hurt more in the cold when the Vikings move outside next season. Come to think of it, opposing linebackers might need it more than he does.

To Mike Ditka: A shuffleboard stick and several packs of chewing gum. Please use them in retirement in lieu of yelling at everyone on the ESPN set.

To Mario Williams: An oversized key, so that he might finally unlock the shackles of being falsely labeled a bust. He’s better than advertised, folks.

To Andrew Luck: An alarm clock set automatically set two hours early. That way he plays awesomely for a full game instead of just the second half after stinking in the first.

To Troy Polamalu: A giant hair net and a fulltime move to linebacker.

To Matt Flynn: A team that actually wants him to be their backup quarterback. It might not be Green Bay after Sunday’s latest disaster.

To Luke Kuechly: Some really cool and catchy nickname to help him get more recognition as one of the best players in the NFL. The only thing I can come up with is “The Force”, as in “the force is with you, Luke”.

To Cleveland fans: One giant fluffy pillow to help keep on dreaming of next year. Again.

To Daniel Snyder: A bag of Redskin potatoes. Unless your team is named after the tubers, you might as well call them the N-words.

To Gus Johnson: Audio tapes of Pat Summerall and Al Michaels doing play-by-play. They augment the action instead of overwhelming and dominating it like he does.

To Andy Dalton: A big bunch of bananas, to help get the playoff monkey off his back.

To Peyton Manning: Some Vaseline to help his helmet slide on and off without leaving such distinct indentations in his forehead.

To Geno Smith: Legitimate and healthy NFL talents at all his fellow offensive skill positions with the Jets. He’ll never get much better without it.

To Keenan Allen: The presumed NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year gets a pair of Ray Bans, because his future is so bright.

To Tony Romo: A brimless Cowboys hat, so that he doesn’t have to keep wearing his backwards. Actually a nice Cowboy hat would be a refreshing change.

To the city of Oakland: A priest to exorcise the spirit of Al Davis from continuing to haunt the Raiders.

To all who take the time to read my weekly offerings here: A very heartfelt thank you for your support and precious attention!